I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Plumber: I think I found the problem
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.