Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Fight
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.