As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*watches the world burn*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m giving up for Lent.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“no gods no masters” = leo
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.