The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
This rocks
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Important reminders
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.