I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Battery falling down a hole
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My purse is deeper than some people.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.