Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
synchronized noseblowing
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER