I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Sooo many times…..
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.