[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
#SuperBowl
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.