I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.