Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
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My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
become ungovernable
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
WWE is French for “yes”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.