It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Stonehinge
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”