[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
You Might Also Like
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden