I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.