I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.