Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
huge if true: the moon
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
relationship goals
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.