*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
You Might Also Like
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger