me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them