I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Planet of the Apps.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap