Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.