If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.