Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
nice challenge
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Sing it!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*