Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.