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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
This could’ve been an email.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.