Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…