i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
This probably isn’t good
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Name this drama.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year