The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application