Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
We’ve all been there
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions