Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Harsh but fair
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.