[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
They’re the worst 😩
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.