At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.