Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Muppet Screams
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe