I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
the last thing a carrot sees
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*