Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”