thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.