I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
How is it still this week?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.