I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Dead sexy!!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*pronounces patio like ratio
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.