mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Thursday Thought.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.