Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.