Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Kids: Stay in school.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists