Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Received some very disappointing news today
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.