First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
🙂🐾
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.