CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”