Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.