Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Perfection.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My neck, my back, my…
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”