Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no