[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
dutch is not a serious language
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.