If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Ok, but like, how married are you?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly