I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song