the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.