squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination